$$$!!!

Ah, money. Money, money, money. I wish I could say that I didn't care about it, but I kind of need to pay bills and eat food, so yeah. I care.

I am completely freaking out over money right now. Being an au pair is EXPENSIVE. They do not tell you how expensive it is. Not only do I have to pay for my flights (over $1000), but I also have to pay for my own language lessons for an entire year (about $1400), my visa and residence fees (don't even get me started, that is a whole other post), my phone, and God knows what else. It is all adding up way too quickly for me to be comfortable with.

It's times like these that I get frustrated with life. I am frustrated that I work so hard and yet I see so little return for it. I am frustrated with living in debt (because there is no way I am affording this without a loan and a credit card). And I am afraid.

It seems like I've been saying that I'm afraid a lot lately. Which is strange, considering that I wrote a post a while ago about bravery and how I was not afraid to go to a new place and live there. I didn't lie about that. I really am excited for this new journey. It's not living in a new country with new people that I'm afraid of. It's not being able to live my life fully because of money and debt.

Yet here I am, still going through with this au pair business. It might seem foolish to some people. After all, I could stay in the US and work and gain savings rather than lose money to debt and interest rates. It's definitely more practical and sensible, and I appreciate that. I've always thought it was important to be practical about things.

But I'm young. I've just graduated from college (well, next week, anyway). And I don't want to be stuck. The only thing I'm more afraid of than being a slave to debt is being stuck. If I were to stay in the US, I would continue to live with my parents (which is problematic in quite a few ways, but necessary because of the next point). I would find an average job that would pay barely anything. Art history majors don't have many good-paying options. I would remain in the place I have been since I was born. And life would be debt-free, for sure. But guess what else it would be?

Monotonous. Empty. Soul-crushing. These may seem like dramatic words, but I'm not exaggerating. I'm not one who tends towards drama. Staying in the US would be good for my pocketbook, but wildly damaging to my self. If there's one thing I've always wanted, it was to be independent, to experience new things, and to make my way through the world.

Sure, as an au pair, I will still be making next to nothing. I will be in debt. But you know what? I'll be stretching my mind in beautiful ways. I'll be learning a language in the best environment. I'll be experiencing new things, traveling to new places, and growing as a person in ways that I probably never knew I could. I highly doubt I could get that by staying in the US. Actually, I know I couldn't.

So while it may be difficult, and I might struggle financially, ultimately this is the best decision for me. Here's to hoping that everything works out in the end!

Struggles

I've been trying to avoid posting until I find another au pair job, but I realized it might be a good idea to talk about my struggles while I go through them.

Things could definitely be worse. I do have some prospects that seem really great, and overall I am satisfied with my life. I am having a hard time dealing with the uncertainty of not having an au pair job yet though, especially considering that I have a nonrefundable, one-way ticket to Europe already. It makes me nervous that I don't have a job when I am already going there. I know everything will work out, and I'm working really hard to make sure it will work out, but it's been a mental and emotional struggle for me.

I am afraid of not finding a position. I want to be in Europe so badly, and it would crush me if I could not go. I am also afraid of finances. I have this plane ticket, and to be honest I don't know if I can afford a plane ticket back right away (nor do I want to come back right away). I'll need a job in order to stay in Europe, and if I do have to go back to California I'll have to get a better job than the one I have right now. I need to pay off my student loans. I don't want to be in debt for the rest of my life.

This is quite a scary time in my life to be honest. I'm very excited for the future, and for the most part I'd say I'm very positive and optimistic about everything. I just hope that this optimism isn't misplaced.

Hopefully I can make an arrangement with a good family soon. I'll need to in order to start the visa process. Gosh, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

All I know is that every single part of me is living for being in Europe. It's something I've wanted to do my whole life. So there's really no room for failure, and I must keep trying and keep being positive.

When life gives you lemons

...first cry your eyes out.

Then go make lemonade.

I found out some extremely disappointing news the other day: the German host family that I was so excited about is no longer able to host me as an au pair. I can't even begin to describe how upset I am. I had checked my email just before I had to give a presentation for a class, and promptly had to exit and miss that class because I could not stop sobbing.

I have dreamed of living in Europe since I was a little girl. Imagine that you get what you had always dreamed of, and have by this time invested a lot of time, money, and energy into that dream, only to have all of that ripped away from you with one email. So yeah, I was devastated.

I had no idea what to do. I was completely shocked and thrown. I don't think I've ever been that caught off-guard in my life. I was so excited to get to know them, to learn from them and have a great time with them. Then again, this was all happening so easily that I didn't honestly stop to think that something might happen that would throw a wrench in my plans. I feel pretty foolish now. I put all of my trust and an entire critical year of my life into one family that I don't even know. Somehow I felt kind of violated. So I let the floodgates loose, and they ran on and on for a while.

Once I calmed down, I stopped to assess my situation. I had lost valuable time job searching and had ignored or turned down great offers to au pair for other families because I decided to commit to this family. I had spent hours researching Cologne and moving abroad, time I could have spent looking for a family who would actually commit to me for real or doing my thesis work or looking for a job. By the way, I had already notified my work that I was leaving for good in August. So there you go. Adding insult to injury, I now had a one-way plane ticket to Germany that is nonrefundable, and not enough funds by the time of the flight to purchase a return ticket. Then I started sobbing again because seriously, this is not a great situation to be in.

After I spent some time feeling sorry for myself, I realized that I had the power to change things. I may not be able to control what other people do, but I can certainly control what I do and direct my own life. Attitude really is everything, so I decided that the pity party stopped there. It was cathartic and necessary to express my sadness over this awful news, but I had to switch gears. Now I must do everything in my power to make it to Europe for a year: no is not an option. I want this so badly, and I need to make it happen. And it will happen. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and this particular door closing just means that another door, an even better door, was waiting for me all along.

I've reopened my account on GreatAupair and am going to see what else I can find there, but I think I might just go through an agency instead. I'm a little afraid of this same situation happening again, and with an agency that fear is taken away. I may have to pay a bit initially, but I'll be guaranteed placement. I've also decided that if I go through an agency, I'll go to France or Belgium instead of Germany. I already know French, so I'll meet visa requirements for that (I would have had to do a bit of slightly-illegal maneuvering in Germany with the visa language requirement, which I can't do through an agency), and I will also be able to learn German in Belgium if I so chose (which will put me ahead in my graduate studies).

I need to stay positive. I can't give up now. I've wanted this for too long, and I know that if I let one setback get to me I would never forgive myself. I'm still disappointed and upset, but I need to focus those angry and negative emotions into constructive problem solving so I can actually move on with my life and do the great things that I've always wanted to do. So here's to hoping that everything works out this time around!

Has anyone else ever received crushing news, big or small? Did you bounce back?

*also, if anyone reading this wants to be an au pair, just go with an agency if you want guarantees*

Senioritis (it's real)

I'm having trouble focusing on my schoolwork lately.

I'll start to make my thesis presentation, but then I miraculously find myself on expat forums about Cologne looking for general living and culture advice and wisdom. Then I'll attempt to finish editing my thesis, but I'll end up looking up which German dictionary I should buy.  or research for my Islamic Spain paper, and end up reading the Germany section of 1,000 Places to See Before You Die (I have now moved on to read about the places in the rest of Europe as well, for the billionth time). It's an involuntary reflex, I swear.

It's not that I'm not interested in my school work. I am doing a major that I love and that interests me greatly. I'm frankly just not interested in doing any actual school WORK right now. Learning, yes. Work, no. And why is that, you may ask?

Because I am graduating in five weeks and moving to Germany for a year, that's why!!!! 

Seriously, who can focus when they are facing that. It's hard. I just want it to be over because the anticipation is killing me. Not only have I already been in school for the past 18 years (if you include preschool and kindergarten, which I totally do), but I am moving on to do something that I've always dreamed of doing. I'm going to be living life in a new way, in a way that is very exciting to me, and I can't wait to start. It's like schoolwork is just getting in the way right now, a nuisance that I have to at least passably finish in order to get to the phase I want to be in. 

At the same time, though, I'm a perfectionist who loves to do well. I hate doing poorly on something. I especially hate doing poorly on something when I know I could have done better. So now these two sides of me are duking it out in my head, with mixed results. I'll completely plan out how I'm going to teach one of my classes in a fit of inspiration, only to leave it alone for a while and hastily finish it the night before. I won't put much effort into one project and get an B+, but then out of guilt I'll put a lot of thought into the next one for that class and get an A. (Strangely enough, I have also completed a paper in four hours literally the day it was due and received rave reviews from the professor, while I put a lot more time and effort into another paper for the same class and professor only to get a "needs work" comment. Seriously. Life is weird.)

Basically, I go through strange bursts of energy and motivation, like my mind is saying "THIS IS YOUR LAST QUARTER, FINISH STRONG! WOOHOOOO MOTIVATION!" And then a few days later I will sit on my couch and read a favorite book when I really should finish studying for a test I have the next day. While I am admittedly not always the most on top of my schoolwork (hello, procrastination), I am usually a lot better about being on top of things and a lot less scattered than I have been these past two quarters.

Senioritis. It's real. Thankfully, it's also not a death sentence. 

(I hope)

Airplanes: Continued

While flights may be quite wonderful for getting you to faraway places (relatively) quickly, they are obviously quite expensive, as I've already extensively complained about. Another downside, one that only becomes noticeable when you are actually on the plane, is the horrible discomfort that you find yourself in when seated. The longer the flight, the worse it is.

I did not fully realize this until I flew to London. I had flown on a plane before, but I was 15 and I was only flying to Michigan, making the flight about 4 hours long. Walk in the park compared to flying across the Atlantic. Flying to London had me on a nonstop, 13-hour experience. And let me tell you, the seating situation not only gets worse the longer the flight, it gets exponentially worse.

Before I got on the plane, I was very optimistic about the whole thing. 13 hours, please! I could totally entertain myself for that whole time without going insane, and I would probably be sleeping most of the time anyway so it didn't matter! And in-flight movies for the win! I was also strangely excited about airplane food. I suppose that would be because it's a novelty for me, since I don't fly often. You know what, just don't ask.

But then I got on the plane. And I got to my economy seat. And I said "oh." In a very small voice. Yeah, economy seating is just not that great. I say this as a person with a pretty small frame, too. Those seats are cramped! It's not even completely about the seat size; there is just no room to move. You are literally >thisclose< to the person next to you. You are often touching. You have no room to put the things you were going to entertain yourself with on the flight. There is no room to stretch your legs. You can't lean back enough to feel like you aren't sleeping upright. It is just so, so uncomfortable. So basically, all of this meant no sleeping for me. I'm not kidding. I only slept for a grand total of 2 hours on the whole 13 hour flight, which, might I add, was during the time when I would normally be sleeping in California. By the time I got to my hotel in London, I had virtually not slept for nearly 48 hours.

And let's talk about entertainment while we're at it. Not being able to sleep, or move, or do anything else somewhat productive, I found myself with a lot of spare time on my hands. Thankfully I had magazines and my sudoku book to look at, but two hours into that I started to become sleepy and, of course, was not able to actually sleep. So then I looked to the movies. At first I was really excited. So many options, I could just keep on going and it would feel like we landed in no time!

Ha. No. I could barely hear the movie over the engines, and my screen had awful glare so I could barely see what was going on either. It didn't even feel like I was watching the movie because all I could see were flashing figures and all I could hear were faint mumbles that sounded somewhat like English. It was a futile endeavor, to say the least. Still, I tried to stick with a movie or two just to keep me occupied. This failed miserably.

By this time, I was extremely bored and near-deliriously tired. I checked the flight panel on my screen to see how much time we had left.

6 hours. Great.

At this point I thought I would go insane. I actually started to feel a little insane. Thankfully I found out that the people I was sitting next to were actually very nice, a mother and daughter visiting London for the second time. We had nice little chats, and this helped keep me a bit more put together than I would have been. Lesson of the day: always take the opportunity to get to know people sitting next to you on a plane. You will most likely get along, at the very least because you are in the same miserable situation.

I finally made it off the plane and promptly slept for 12 hours once I arrived in my room. I was too exhausted to do anything else.

Considering my past experience with transatlantic flying, I think it's best if I start brainstorming ways to make my upcoming experience better. I'm supposed to be spending a bit of time with the guy I'm seeing before heading to my host family's place, and I want to make sure I'm at least a little bit more upbeat when he picks me up from the airport. And I just don't want to go through that badness again. I'll think on it and report my strategy back.

Strangely enough, even if every flight were like this, all of that badness does not deter me in my quest to travel all over the world. Masochistic? Maybe. But I prefer to think of it as adventurous.

On Bravery and Traveling

This is the single most common comment that I received when I told people that I was traveling to London on my own, and that I am getting again when I tell people that I am moving to Germany for a year to be an au pair:

"You are so brave!"

I was always confused when I heard this, no matter how often I was told this. Who, me? Brave? Pshhh.

I've never considered myself to be a particularly brave person. I am scared of spiders and most other bugs. I am not too fond of the dark. I am startled by sudden, loud noises. I cannot watch any horror or scary movie, no matter how "light" it might be, without completely freaking out. I had a panic attack in a haunted house and had to be escorted out by the workers. I started sobbing before I even walked into Knott's Scary Farm, just from anticipating the horror before me. I probably shouldn't even be admitting any of this because now anyone reading this will think I am a total wimp.

So of course, hearing myself being described as "brave" just didn't make any sense in my mind. Not only did it not make sense because I don't consider myself particularly brave, but it didn't make sense because nothing about traveling on my own genuinely scared me. I was simply not at all scared to go. Excited, yes. Over the moon, yes. But scared? Worried? Anxious? Not at all. Of course, there are things you have to consider and be careful about when you are a woman traveling alone, but I wasn't actively afraid for my well-being. How could I be brave in traveling alone, in going on a genuine adventure, if I was not at all scared to do so?

But then I thought about it for a very long time, and I recently came to a realization. I had been viewing "brave" and "scared" from only one lens.

There are many different kinds of brave. I may not be brave when it comes to the little things, like spiders crawling by my feet, or being alone in the dark, or a moment of horror in a movie. But I realized that I am a lot stronger, and a lot braver, than I give myself credit for though. See, when it comes to embracing life's adventures, and standing up for the ideas and people I love, and being comfortable with who I am, I am strong. I am brave.

And then I realized that those who told me I was brave most likely did not feel this way about themselves. They are scared to do what I had done, what I am doing, and because of this they find me brave. And I find that to be tragically sad. People should not be afraid to go after what they have always wanted in life. They should not be afraid to be themselves, and to live authentically. And yet so, so many people in this world are. Now, that is truly scary.

I hope that more people discover that they really are brave, and that they too can do what they never thought they could do before. I know I am still in the process of discovering this myself. And if we all discover, together, that we are capable of far more than we thought possible, then perhaps that realized potential will make this world a little bit better.