$$$!!!

Ah, money. Money, money, money. I wish I could say that I didn't care about it, but I kind of need to pay bills and eat food, so yeah. I care.

I am completely freaking out over money right now. Being an au pair is EXPENSIVE. They do not tell you how expensive it is. Not only do I have to pay for my flights (over $1000), but I also have to pay for my own language lessons for an entire year (about $1400), my visa and residence fees (don't even get me started, that is a whole other post), my phone, and God knows what else. It is all adding up way too quickly for me to be comfortable with.

It's times like these that I get frustrated with life. I am frustrated that I work so hard and yet I see so little return for it. I am frustrated with living in debt (because there is no way I am affording this without a loan and a credit card). And I am afraid.

It seems like I've been saying that I'm afraid a lot lately. Which is strange, considering that I wrote a post a while ago about bravery and how I was not afraid to go to a new place and live there. I didn't lie about that. I really am excited for this new journey. It's not living in a new country with new people that I'm afraid of. It's not being able to live my life fully because of money and debt.

Yet here I am, still going through with this au pair business. It might seem foolish to some people. After all, I could stay in the US and work and gain savings rather than lose money to debt and interest rates. It's definitely more practical and sensible, and I appreciate that. I've always thought it was important to be practical about things.

But I'm young. I've just graduated from college (well, next week, anyway). And I don't want to be stuck. The only thing I'm more afraid of than being a slave to debt is being stuck. If I were to stay in the US, I would continue to live with my parents (which is problematic in quite a few ways, but necessary because of the next point). I would find an average job that would pay barely anything. Art history majors don't have many good-paying options. I would remain in the place I have been since I was born. And life would be debt-free, for sure. But guess what else it would be?

Monotonous. Empty. Soul-crushing. These may seem like dramatic words, but I'm not exaggerating. I'm not one who tends towards drama. Staying in the US would be good for my pocketbook, but wildly damaging to my self. If there's one thing I've always wanted, it was to be independent, to experience new things, and to make my way through the world.

Sure, as an au pair, I will still be making next to nothing. I will be in debt. But you know what? I'll be stretching my mind in beautiful ways. I'll be learning a language in the best environment. I'll be experiencing new things, traveling to new places, and growing as a person in ways that I probably never knew I could. I highly doubt I could get that by staying in the US. Actually, I know I couldn't.

So while it may be difficult, and I might struggle financially, ultimately this is the best decision for me. Here's to hoping that everything works out in the end!